Anger is probably the strongest destroyer of good relationships.. And it also hinders you from enjoying people’s presence. You can be in the most beautiful place, eat the most delicious food in the best company, if you feel anger inside you won’t enjoy any of it. It doesn’t really matter if you are angry towards a situation, a person, an animal or an object. The only thing anger does is make YOU feel bad, destroy YOU, make YOUR life difficult. It is like a poison that gives a bitter taste to everything around.
What is anger?
Anger is a strong feeling of injustice. You feel like something is not right and has to be corrected.
Of course, sometimes this anger is justified, when someone takes advantage of a stronger position and does you wrong, and then the appropriate actions should be taken. But still, it is in your own interest to make that anger go down, to feel peaceful inside. The person that suffers most from your anger is you, not the person you are angry at!
Anger is dangerous for you
The danger of anger is that it gives you a feeling of power, you feel invincible, you feel like you could just do anything, it gives you the illusion of having greater influence on others because of the strength of the emotion. And yet, the opposite is actually true. As soon as anger takes control over you, you lose all sense of sensible judgment, you cannot control your emotions anymore. You end up being at the mercy of the reactions of your body and mind and you do things you will surely regret afterwards. It is as if you let someone into your body and let him/her take over. So where is the power you were thinking it was giving you?
So should anger be repressed or ignored?
It should not, and it is actually impossible! If you try to repress anger, it will come out stronger next time it flares up. It is good to identify it whenever it comes.
How can anger be controlled?
Once anger overcomes you, it is actually too late, you won’t be able to control it. So you should identify the first signs of anger about to come up and start working on it from there. Also, regular training of your mind, teaching it little by little how bad anger actually is for you, will help you find more and more peace.
What tools can I use to reduce my anger?
Here are some general things that will help you in all situations of anger. Of course, more specific measures can be taken for specific situations.
For long-term anger management
- Meditate daily: Try this simple general guided meditation to relax. If you practice this every day, as often as possible, it will slowly help you feel more relaxed and thus: less angry. This is a long-term process
- Take some time to think about the consequences of anger: it takes control of your whole self, it makes you do things you would never do otherwise. It even makes you ugly, and for ladies who care: anger wrinkles are the worst! Imagine if a friend came into your house and started moving things upside down. This is exactly what anger does. If you think about this again and again, you will get rid of this uninvited guest little by little. You can do this in a meditative position or just think about it when taking a waik for example.
- Take some time to think about the times you got angry and how they made you feel. Think about the consequences of the times when you got angry. You can do this in a meditative position or just think about it when taking a walk for example.
- Read and apply these wise words about anger from a great lama.
When used on a regular basis, these techniques will make your anger less powerful and also help you identify your anger as soon as it flares up, before you lose control. Then, when you sense that anger is about to take over, here is what you can do:
- Breathe deeply into your belly until it blows up like a balloon: . CAREFUL: don’t take a deep breath in first, start with a deep exhalation. Count the exhalation as 1, the inhalation as 1, then the second exhalation as 2, the second inhalation as 2, etc.. until you reach 9. This should already reduce your anger.
- Change your focus: leave the room you are in, take a sip of water, go take a shower, do something different from what you were doing. Time is an amazing ally to make anger cool down, you just have to give it a chance.
- If someone is waiting for you to answer, by mail, chat, phone or in front of you and the anger is about to rise, choose SILENCE. Whatever you say could be something you would regret later.
Important final notes…
- NEVER send off an email or call someone in a state of anger. Let time do its work, it will calm you down.
- Sometimes it is necessary to show anger or strong energy to make sure you are heard, for example, when children misbehave. In these cases, you can still shout or speak loudly and firmly, but if you stay calm inside when doing that, the effect will be even better. You won’t lose control or say anything you might regret later. You will just use what is necessary to make your voice heard. You will notice that people will respect you even more this way, because the intention behind is really to fix something and not to just let your anger out.
Of course, this is just a general approach and you may have many questions. If you suffer from anger, with your Kyizom coach, we will develop a strategy tailored to your needs and check in periodically to see how you’re doing to handle it better and better. Book a first session now!
